Here I Am

Lately, I feel incredibly bored. This honestly is probably why I started my server in the first place.

Initially, the server was started to host things for my business, that weren’t anything of a sensitive nature. Meaning, some automation stuff, and different utilities. What it turned out to be was a project to learn more about computers, networking, and Linux in general.

All in all, I like it. I have rediscovered a joy of computers that I had let go dormant since the days of DOS 6.2 and the BBSing days of dialup modems and early internet access.

The problem is, I’ve buried myself in it and although I wouldn’t say I’m burned out, I’m just tired. I know I’m using this as an escape for life.

I struggle with depression. I always have. I was diagnosed as having depression since as early as the age of four. It’s something I’ve just learned to deal with. It’s not like I really have much of a choice.

My birthday is in a couple days and every year around this time, I start questioning everything. I start to reflect on all I’ve done and where I’m at. A part of me is comparing myself to others and where I perceive they are in this journey. That’s a horrible thing to be doing, because I know we all have our own struggles and what we see on the outside, or surface life, of another doesn’t always reflect what’s really going on.

We all do such a great job of wearing masks. We all pretend that everything is fine, when in reality, things beneath the surface could be bubbling at an enormous rate. The older we get, the better we get at hiding what’s really going on. Life lessons, betrayals, and hurtful people have taught us to keep things to ourselves. Judgemental opinions tend to quiet our outward expressions. Well, that’s true for me, at least.

---

In my twenties, everything felt possible. The world was my oyster. I could go anywhere, be anyone, and achieve anything. Then my dad died and I was suddenly faced with the reality that life is fragile and can be stripped from us at any moment. I think that was the moment everything changed for me. It crushed me.

I stuffed that pain away for a spell.  I felt like I had to, in order to be “strong” for my family. When I was finally forced to deal with it, I opened up to the woman I was dating. It was about that time that everything with her began to fall apart. Rather than her having my back and helping me through it, it seemed to have started to drive us apart. I’m sure that wasn’t the nail in the coffin, because I know I played a bigger part in all of it, though I’m still not completely conscious of my role and how my actions, words, and emotional disconnect began to trigger things.

Long story short, she left me. Another crushing blow. I think due to that, I shut down even more. I closed myself off to life around me and almost completely lost my shit.

Since then, each time I get close to someone, I know I subconsciously sabotage the relationship. I’m not completely alone in this and am fully aware it involves both parties. I haven’t had a serious relationship since that one. I see the correlation of “like attracts like” and the women I tend to pursue seem to be just as fucked up as I am.

I have always been the type of person who tends to choose to see the good and potential in people, blatantly ignoring, or excusing the clear red flags. I choose, mostly subconsciously to ignore things based on how I feel in the moment. Always fearing missing out on something that could be great.

Now that I’m much older, I feel like I’m a lot more conscious of it, but I also feel like the options are somewhat limited, mixed with the fact that there’s still so much unconscious taking the wheel.

The bottom line is, we’re all fucked up. We all have so much baggage and “issues” from life. That’s true and undeniable. Life causes us to create walls in order to protect ourselves from ever feeling a certain way again. The problem, as I see it, is that those walls are ultimately what hurt us.

---

I know who I am. I know my strengths as much as my weaknesses. I know my flaws and my inherent goodness. I know what I deserve, because I love who I am, even through all the flaws. I’m not perfect and still love myself unconditionally. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes. Although it often takes me more time than most to bounce back, I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep waking up each day hoping it’ll be better than the previous. I still have hope and still keep showing up, even when I dont feel like being a part of any of it.

To be honest, I know I have the choice to stop. I don’t have to keep living this life. Nothing is forcing me to keep going. However, I can honestly say it is that tiny sliver of hope, mixed with a bit of FOMO that keeps me going.

I don’t want to be the guy who gives up. I don’t blame anyone for doing it, but there is still something inside me that keeps saying, “keep going, you’re almost there.”

I can’t help but question if its legit. After this many years and this many failed attempts, it has gotten old and stale. Yet here I am, still putting one foot in front of the other. Here I am showing up. Here I am, hoping today will be better. Here I am.