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“Trouble been doggin’ my soul since the day I was born” — Ray LaMontagne

My car broke down yesterday, I had to quit my third job, and have to end my volunteer position because I now no longer have transportation outside of the city.

On one had, I hated this third job and I wanted to quit, but I was holding on as long as possible, because I wanted the extra income, even if it wasn’t that great for what they were demanding I do for it.

I pulled into work yesterday morning, put my car in park, turned off the ignition, and it started rolling backwards. On my way home, there was a knocking coming from the transmission, it would lurch after removing the my foot from the brake, and it was grinding and slipping in first.

I realize I’m trying to spin it in a way that it was destined to be this way, but it was as if the Universe heard my prayer, knew I hated the job and said, “OK, since you won’t quit, I’ll force you to.”

I really have no other way of explaining or understanding why it went down the way it did. Hell, maybe someone else needs the job more than I do. Maybe there’s something better in store for me. I just don’t know. All I do know is that I now have no vehicle and no way of repairing or replacing it.

That’s the whole reason I got this job. I knew my car was on it’s last leg and I knew I needed to replace it or repair it, but I couldn’t do it without this extra income. Now what? The job was part time and was willing to work with the two days I could give. I don’t even know where to look anymore. I hate using Indeed, because there’s so many scammers on there and the company clearly doesn’t care, because this has been going on for years. Making matters worse, the vast majority of job boards are all owned by Indeed, so I’m left to temp agencies who want full time workers.

I quite literally have reached a point of not caring anymore. I feel like all I’m doing is counting down the days until I can depart from this world. The fact that I’m still alive and won’t end it myself tells me there’s either something more for me here, or I’m just stupid for continuing the insanity of living.

It’s fucked up that we have labeled the talk of death, and/or wanting to die as a red flag and people will get reported. I’ve dealt with depression my whole life and I’m still here. For some unknown reason, I choose to live, yet continue to feel like all I’m doing is being raped by life every chance it gets.

I know everyone goes through periods of turmoil and struggles. I know everyone muscles through it and puts on a show that everything is ok. I know everyone thinks about death and dying. So why is it so taboo?

As someone who has struggled with depression for 40+ years, I know how easy it is to get into your head and think that somehow you’re different, that your situation is different, that somehow your struggles are much more intense than anyone else’s. In truth, I know that we all are struggling. Some are better at finding the proper outlets. Some are better at hiding it. Some are even better at pretending like it isn’t a big deal.

I am who I am and I’m not ashamed for the struggles I feel. I’m not ashamed for struggling with depression and being open about it. I’m not ashamed for believing life would be so much more than it has been. I am not ashamed for wearing my heart on my sleeve, refusing to put on a mask, and pretending that life isn’t a fucked up mess.

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As humans, we seem to think we’re somehow different than the rest of the animal kingdom. In reality, we aren’t much different. We’re all just trying to survive, thrive, and reproduce. Sure, we have much longer lifespans than most of our animal relatives, but overall, we’re in the same boat.

I think the major difference is the fact that we’ve sold ourselves out as slaves for pieces of paper that have no real value, convincing ourselves we need to go into debt and that life is all about working nine to five, five days a week, barely scraping by. If anything, we are less abundant than the animals in the wild, because they rely more on instincts and just gathering the essentials they need to survive.

I mean, when was the last time you saw a squirrel in a fret about how much rent was going to set them back? That penthouse nest, high in the tree tops didn’t cost them a dime. When was the last time you saw a deer frantically running about, wondering where their next meal would come from? They meander the woods and fields, knowing the world around them is plentiful.

Sure, natural disasters happen. Forests burn down, fields become barren, and disease runs rampant to help cull the herd. My point is, I just can’t help but question how different life would be if we didn’t have this hierarchical system and this herd mentality within our civilization. Where would we be if we still lived completely off the land as hunter/gatherers?

Like with every living creature, we adapt or die. There is no real in-between. We find a way to keep going. We find a way to put food in our bellies. We find a way to fight for one more day.

This brings me to another series of questions. Why? Why do we continue to push ourselves to the brink of death for the chance to live? It feels like it’s been such a long time since I had that passion and desire. It feels like there’s been nothing I’ve wanted to continue living for. I keep putting one step in front of the other, but why?

When you look around at the world we live in, there’s so much negativity. There’s so much corruption. There’s so much abuse. There’s so much poverty and the divide just keeps growing deeper and wider. I’m not saying there isn’t plenty or beauty all around us, but it seems the negative has been outweighing the positive for quite some time.

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I went to a concert last night and one of the bands asked, “can you feel the unity?” Everyone cheered, yet I sat quiet, wondering what they felt that I didn’t? I don’t see a world united. I don’t see a state united. I don’t see a city united and I definitely didn’t see a venue united.

I people watched the whole time and I honestly saw a bunch of people paying entirely too much for a bit of entertainment in their week to further try and pretend that life isn’t a mess. I saw a bunch of people drunk, stoned, or both, trying to escape the realities of life for just a few hours out of a day.

Years ago, I’d have joined in that kind of celebration and ignorance. I’d have relished in the idea that it really wasn’t that bad. I’d have happily pretended that life was great and I’d have been grateful for what little I had, happy to be alive and happy to be able to go to a concert.

Blame it on years of let downs, slaps to the face by the universe around me, or whatever you want. The truth is, something happened to me and I don’t know how to view the world like that anymore. I’m not happy following along and playing within the “system” anymore. I’m not happy going through the motions, pretending that everything is ok. I’m not ok with turning a blind eye to the shit that is going down. To put it the shortest way possible, I’m just not happy.

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They say happiness comes from within, but I’ve never been able to truly find it. I apparently don’t have the happiness bone in my body. I try to be grateful for what I have. I try to be grateful for the people in my life. It just honestly feels like one giant let down. And what really sucks is the fact that I do have some pretty amazing and wonderful people in my life.

Maybe it’s my inability to adapt to change? Life definitely isn’t what it used to be 20 years ago. I feel like everyone advanced and I fell behind. I feel like everyone learned to “play the game” while I have struggled to find the point of it. I would happily trade all my technology and earthly possessions for the ability to live off-grid, away from civilization, and away from what this world has become.

The problem is, it feels like this system is rigged. Not just “feels like,” because I know it is and to be honest, I don’t feel like playing this game. I quite literally just want to live out whatever time I have left in peace. I want to live in a community of like minded people who just want to live in peace and harmony with the land and animals around them. I’d kill for the chance to put a smile on my face and have it stick around for awhile. I’d kill for a world full of less distraction and less dependence on technology. I’d love the chance for a reset.

I’ve heard that we aren’t the first civilization on this planet. This appears to be backed up with the appearance of Thoth, or a Thoth-like person throughout many different cultures. Supposedly, their civilization made some massive mistakes and paid the ultimate price. I feel like the way we’re headed, we’re not far off from making those same or slightly different, cataclysmic mistakes.

I doubt it’ll happen in my lifetime, but I have no doubt we are headed there. The greed and corruption has become too much of a problem. Nature always has a way of balancing things out, it’s only just a matter of time before she wipes us out once again.

I’ve decided I’m swearing off women. I wish I could go into detail, but I feel like even if I kept everything anonymous, I’d still be betraying someone’s trust. I wrote it all out and realized this, so I deleted it all and started from scratch.

I pride myself in not being that guy. I made a promise after all, that what was said to me would stay in the strictest of confidence. That’s exactly what I aim to do.

I will say this though. Women are dumb. Hear me out, because I don’t mean all of them. It’s a poor generalization, because I know not all women are dumb. I know there are a lot of great women out there. The problem is, none of those women are available.

I guess I just wish people, in general, could figure their shit out. It really isn’t that difficult to figure out who you are, yet far too many people struggle with this. It also isn’t that difficult to figure out what makes you happy, what you want, and to go after it. Yet far too many people are too afraid to go after what they want. I know this is often due to psychological trauma, but still, it annoys the shit out of me.

I have had my own battle with this, but I’ve spent a lot of time being single, so I’ve had a lot of time sorting out my shit. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know what I deserve and I won’t settle for less. I’ve worked too hard to get here. I’ve worked too hard to allow the wrong person into my life and allow her to fuck me up like the others. It took far too much time to get back to a good place. Even though I’m not 100% there yet, I’m closer than I have been in a long time. I’m not screwing that up because of a woman.

I don’t know, I feel like I’m destined to be single. I’ve never been married. I don’t have any kids. I have wanted both for the longest time, and now that I’m much older, I can definitely say I’m grateful I don’t have kids, because I would have screwed them up so badly. I also know I’d be divorced by now, because I hadn’t sorted through my shit and figured out how to stand on my own two feet without feeling the need for validation from another.

I can’t, nor will I, claim to be perfect, healed, or even capable of holding a solid relationship. Maybe the women I’ve dated or courted have seen this within me from the start and maybe I’m the one who is in denial.

I realize I have no one to blame for my situation and circumstances but myself. I realize that no matter how much healing or work I think I’ve done on myself, I still have a long way to go. At the same time, I don’t feel like this is a hindrance to my ability to find a partner.

It’s so difficult to not look around at all the people in my life and think, “they don’t even realize how good they have it.” Yet I fully acknowledge that all that glitters is not gold, and the grass isn’t always greener. Just because people appear to have their shit together, more than likely, none of them really do. It’s so easy to think others are doing so much better, when the reality is, we all have our own struggles.

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I often feel like life would be so much different if I was in a relationship. The truth of the matter is, I know in my heart this isn’t true. It would simply bring about a different set of struggles, trials, and challenges. It wouldn’t solve anything, nor would I truly be any happier.

Sure, I’d have someone to go to sleep and wake up next to. I’d have someone who would greet me when I come home. I’d have someone to talk to and do things with. I’d have someone to confide in and someone who could confide in me. However, I fully understand the weight and gravity of what a relationship is. Work.

It’s not all fun and games. It’s not all cuddling and honeymoon-type love. It takes commitment. It takes patience. It takes compassion and empathy. More than that, it takes effort.

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The more I write this, the more I question if I even have what it takes. I doubt myself, because the few times I’ve been in somewhat serious relationships, I’ve failed, they’ve failed, and it makes me feel like I could have done better, even knowing it takes two.

Was I fully to blame for past relationships falling apart. No, not fully, but I can shoulder quite a bit of the blame for more than a handful.

I don’t know. I still feel like I’m a catch, fully knowing I am not perfect and knowing that it would take a very special kind of person to deal with my shit. I say this, not to strip me of my worthiness, but rather to acknowledge the fact that I know I’m not easy. I know I’m a handful. I know my struggles are often too much for the vast majority of women to deal with.

I still find myself full of hope, but the light of that hope is dimming. That really depresses me, because it’s the one thing I’ve desired above all else for the vast majority of my life.

I feel like all I can do is throw in the towel and forget about it; to let go and accept the fact that I may be single for the rest of my life. I feel like the sooner I can accept this, the better off I’ll be. The only problem is, right when I’m about to that point, a woman always comes into my life and sparks these desires again. Then the process starts all over and I’m honestly growing tired of it.

I am tired of getting my hopes up, just to have them crushed again. I know it’s part of the process, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Repeated encounters that end the same don’t make it easier to dust myself off and keep going. If anything, it makes it less and less appealing, which is exactly where I’m at right now.

I’ve grown tired of holding on to a hope that never seems to deliver. I’ve grown tired of wishing for something that seems to always evade me. I’ve grown tired of holding on to an idea that seems to be something from a fairy tale. And, I’ve grown tired of seeing people in relationships they are not happy to be in, complaining about how unhappy they are, or how their partner makes very little effort.

On one hand, I’m incredibly grateful I don’t know what that’s like. On the other, I know people often get wrapped up in their heads and see things how they want to see them, when they are equally part of the problem. I know there’s no such thing as a “perfect” relationship and not a single person on this planet is perfect or even close to. But from someone who’s desired a serious relationship for such a long time, it would just be nice to have someone who was “perfect enough” for me.

Since I was a child, music has always been a big part of my life. Be it listening to the radio, records, CD’s, or like now, streaming all my music through a Navidrome server I host.

I recently got my hands on 146 country CDs from the late 90’s/early 2000’s, at an auction. I’ve been going through the painstaking process of converting them all to FLAC format, because I want lossless music I can listen to from anywhere.

Sure, I could just pay for a Spotify, Amazon, or some other streaming service, but I hate the idea of paying to listen to music I already own. On top of that, I prefer knowing I own the music, rather than being tied to a subscription that constantly raises their prices without giving me anything extra in the process.

I guess part of that is, I came from a time when owning music was a thing of pride. It was a badge of honor to go out and buy the latest album from your favorite musician. It was also much more enjoyable thumbing through the selection, trying to find something new you’d never heard before. An album cover said a lot.

In the process of ripping all these new CDs, I completely forgot how tedious the process is. However, the finished product when I get to see new music on my server, that is priceless.

I also recently purchased a USB audio capture device, allowing me to connect my turntable to my computer and record all my records to digital. I’m looking forward to doing this, because I’m curious if it will filter out the scratchiness that is typically heard with records. Don’t get me wrong, even if it doesn’t, there’s still something about listening to a record on a turntable.

Getting the chance to actually sit down in front of my stereo and pull out a record takes time away from other things I should/could be doing. As much as I enjoy sitting around listening to a record, I just have so many more things to do that I really don’t have the opportunity to do it. It’s much easier to stream my music wherever I’m at and be able to listen on the go. It isn’t the same, and I’d much prefer listening to music on my stereo, but it is what it is.

Regardless, there’s just something I’ve always admired about music. The way it has the ability to reach deep down within us and tug at our emotions. A good songwriter can reach us in ways that other mediums just aren’t capable of doing with the same efficiency. Well, at least for me, anyways.

It seems I have a song for almost every big event in my life. I can hear a song or an artist and remember clearly what I was going through when that song pierced my ears for the first time. I can let the melody carry me away to a different world. When I’m angry, sad, or happy, the music can move me. It can still me. It can soothe me. There’s very little in life that can do this or with this kind of consistency.

I’ve ripped about 26 of these CDs so far and already found new music I’ve enjoyed and marveled at never hearing before or never giving a good enough listen in order to form a better opinion.

I’m not picky about what I listen to. I listen to Country, Rap, Metal, Emo, Americana, Classical, Jazz, Blues, Rock’n’Roll, and damn near every other genre under the sun. I’m not concerned with the technical stylings. I’m not impressed by time changes or unique chord progressions. What I care about is the emotions the music stirs within me. What I care about is how the music, the vocals, and the lyrics come together in one cohesive unit.

To be honest, I feel the same when I go to a concert. I often find myself watching how the band/musician performs over anything else. I sing along and I move when a favorite gets played, but I watch to see how the band engages the audience. I watch to see how much energy they have. I watch to see how the crowd and the band mingle to complete the whole picture.

I can’t imagine a life of constantly being on the road, though. I am sure it’s difficult to sustain that same energy at the start of an 8 month tour. I have to give these musicians some credit. You bounce from one town to the next, you live in your van, you’re constantly eating fast food and having late nights, then you’re right back on the road; on to the next town. It has got to be hell at times. I know that’s not a life I would want to live.

At one time, the idea of that life sounded amazing. As I get older, it appeals less and less to me. I guess what I’m saying is, I have a lot of respect for the hustle of a touring musician. And more than that, I’m grateful to all the musicians out there. You all make the world a much better place.

I can’t imagine a world without Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Elvis Presley, or Buddy Holly. I can’t imagine a world without The Doors, Led Zeppelin, The Who, or The Beatles. I can’t imagine a world without Muddy Waters, Etta James, or BB King. I can’t imagine a world without Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Smashing Pumpkins, or The Eels. And I can’t imagine a world without Snoop, Dre, Cube and E. What would it be like without Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, or Bach? Where would we be if the musicians we know and love had never graced us with their gift? I shudder to think of what life would be like without the music I’ve come to know throughout my short life.

It’s midnight and I just got home from watching a friend’s annual fireworks show.

After what I wrote this morning, combined with the fact that I woke up a little depressed today, I’ve been in my mind and very antisocial.

I don’t know what’s going on with me right now. Its been a long time since I’ve felt like I could just have a cry. Right now, I feel it on the brink and I don’t even know where its coming from. It’s not even like today was a bad day.

One of the things on my server is a music streaming service. I’ve loaded all my old mp3s on it and have been listening today while doing yard work and to and from the fireworks show.

As I got home, Mat Kearney came on and I forgot how much I love his music. So I decided to sit on the back porch, throw up the umbrella and turn on the solar LEDs. Cracking open a beer right now and gonna sit, listen, and write.

In The Middle is playing right now.

I hate when I get in this kind of depression. Mostly because I don’t know where it comes from. The waves are hit and miss. Sometimes its just a small little bout, while other times it can feel so debilitating.

I used to feel so on top of the world. Something happened and now I just feel like most days are a struggle. I have a decent life. I have a roof over my head. I have family and friends who love me. I have a business that pays the bills. I have food and water. I really have nothing that I’m truly missing, yet still it feels like something is missing.

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My whole life, I dreamed of being married, having a family, and having my own place. I wanted it for so long, yet it always seemed to evade me.

I’m in my late 40s now. I’m still single. I still have no kids. There’s a tiny part of me that wants them, but an even bigger part of me that says I’m far too old for that shit. On top of that, I don’t want to be the reason for a child being even more fucked up than I feel sometimes.

Like I said in my last post, I love who I am and I’m proud of who I am. I’m not perfect and I’m definitely no saint, but I still believe I’m worth it. I’ve yet to find a woman who feels I am, but I guess I’m ok with that. Maybe I should say, there’s been a couple who felt that way, but I didn’t feel the same?

Don’t get me wrong, I want a relationship. I feel like sometimes I’m dependent upon it for my happiness, but at the same time, I’m not. Either I just keep telling myself that, or it’s how I really feel. I can’t tell the difference anymore. I’ve been saying it for so long, I can’t tell if I’m being truthful or just lying to myself in an attempt to just deal with it.

I know being in a relationship won’t solve anything. It won’t fill some hole or missing piece to my life. I know it won’t change the fact that I struggle with depression. I think more than anything, I think it would just be nice to feel like I have someone in my corner.

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Too often, I feel incredibly alone. I have for a long time. People don’t call or text very often to check in on me. I can’t blame them either. They have their own lives, families, and priorities. But I think it’s this that I crave.

I make it a point to go out of my way for the people I love. Sure, I get busy and forget from time to time. I also get in my head and withdraw, so I can’t completely blame anyone else. I am fully aware I play just as much of an equal part. It would just be nice to feel like I am wanted in people’s lives.

As I reread this, I guess at times, I dont do enough.

Like I said, I know I’m loved, but it often doesn’t feel like it.

I also know I somewhat keep people at a distance. Like many, I’ve been hurt a lot, but unlike many, it has caused me to retreat to the safety of my shell and find comfort not depending on others. In fact, I don’t even know how to depend on others any more. For so long it’s just been me doing everything I need to. I wouldn’t even know how to accept love or help if it was given to me.

In that respect, I completely understand why I’m single. It would take such a unique woman to love me unconditionally. Its not impossible, but I know the cards are stacked against me.

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Here’s the problem. I know I have my issues. I know I’m a handful. I know the vast majority of people don’t have what it takes to deal with me on a constant basis. I could make excuses about this or that, but the cold hard truth is I allowed myself to close off. I chose to think it was the safest bet.

These days, I really don’t do much. For one, I’m not a fan of going out by myself. I want company. I want conversation. But then when I get into those kinds of situations, I don’t even know what to talk about. I don’t want to come off as the negative Nancy I often feel like. I know people dont want to be around that. They dont want to hear someone complain about everything they don’t like in life, yet I don’t even know how to find joy in much of anything anymore. I truly feel happiest when I’m at home, by myself, working. At the exact same time, I’m craving companionship. I’m just never happy.

Making matters worse, I just feel completely let down by life.

I’m starting to realize, maybe I don’t love myself. Maybe I’m just saying it, hoping it’ll stick. But then begs the question. How does one love themself? Maybe I just don’t understand what love is at all?

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Buying the PC to make my server was one of the nicest things I’ve done for myself in a long time. I usually don’t buy things like that. I tend to give more than I receive, except when it comes to myself.

The thing is. I make enough to pay my bills, but I don’t make much extra and the business is so inconsistent. Half the time, I wonder if I’ll even be able to keep the lights on for another month. It always works out, but I literally scrape by. Its frustrating and draining. The problem is, I enjoy being my own boss, not having anyone over me, constantly hounding me. I enjoy being able to call the shots and not needing to fall in line as a puppet forced to do this or that because my boss demands it.

I don’t like corporations. I never have. The corporate structure of being overly concerned with profit and not about the people who actually make you the profit, absolutely disgusts me. I’ve worked corporate jobs. I’ve worked for small businesses and big businesses. I don’t really care for what I do anymore, but I’d still much rather do what I do than work for someone else. Yet, next week, I’m picking up a third job, because I’m just wanting to make some extra money to be able to have fun in life. Or at the very least, try to.

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All of this feels like a jumbled mess, but I already feel better just dumping it out there. Nobody reads this, but god damn, does it feel good to just put it out there, even if I sound like a complete jackass for any of it.

I think that’s it for tonight. Thank you for listening. You really made my night!

Lately, I feel incredibly bored. This honestly is probably why I started my server in the first place.

Initially, the server was started to host things for my business, that weren’t anything of a sensitive nature. Meaning, some automation stuff, and different utilities. What it turned out to be was a project to learn more about computers, networking, and Linux in general.

All in all, I like it. I have rediscovered a joy of computers that I had let go dormant since the days of DOS 6.2 and the BBSing days of dialup modems and early internet access.

The problem is, I’ve buried myself in it and although I wouldn’t say I’m burned out, I’m just tired. I know I’m using this as an escape for life.

I struggle with depression. I always have. I was diagnosed as having depression since as early as the age of four. It’s something I’ve just learned to deal with. It’s not like I really have much of a choice.

My birthday is in a couple days and every year around this time, I start questioning everything. I start to reflect on all I’ve done and where I’m at. A part of me is comparing myself to others and where I perceive they are in this journey. That’s a horrible thing to be doing, because I know we all have our own struggles and what we see on the outside, or surface life, of another doesn’t always reflect what’s really going on.

We all do such a great job of wearing masks. We all pretend that everything is fine, when in reality, things beneath the surface could be bubbling at an enormous rate. The older we get, the better we get at hiding what’s really going on. Life lessons, betrayals, and hurtful people have taught us to keep things to ourselves. Judgemental opinions tend to quiet our outward expressions. Well, that’s true for me, at least.

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In my twenties, everything felt possible. The world was my oyster. I could go anywhere, be anyone, and achieve anything. Then my dad died and I was suddenly faced with the reality that life is fragile and can be stripped from us at any moment. I think that was the moment everything changed for me. It crushed me.

I stuffed that pain away for a spell.  I felt like I had to, in order to be “strong” for my family. When I was finally forced to deal with it, I opened up to the woman I was dating. It was about that time that everything with her began to fall apart. Rather than her having my back and helping me through it, it seemed to have started to drive us apart. I’m sure that wasn’t the nail in the coffin, because I know I played a bigger part in all of it, though I’m still not completely conscious of my role and how my actions, words, and emotional disconnect began to trigger things.

Long story short, she left me. Another crushing blow. I think due to that, I shut down even more. I closed myself off to life around me and almost completely lost my shit.

Since then, each time I get close to someone, I know I subconsciously sabotage the relationship. I’m not completely alone in this and am fully aware it involves both parties. I haven’t had a serious relationship since that one. I see the correlation of “like attracts like” and the women I tend to pursue seem to be just as fucked up as I am.

I have always been the type of person who tends to choose to see the good and potential in people, blatantly ignoring, or excusing the clear red flags. I choose, mostly subconsciously to ignore things based on how I feel in the moment. Always fearing missing out on something that could be great.

Now that I’m much older, I feel like I’m a lot more conscious of it, but I also feel like the options are somewhat limited, mixed with the fact that there’s still so much unconscious taking the wheel.

The bottom line is, we’re all fucked up. We all have so much baggage and “issues” from life. That’s true and undeniable. Life causes us to create walls in order to protect ourselves from ever feeling a certain way again. The problem, as I see it, is that those walls are ultimately what hurt us.

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I know who I am. I know my strengths as much as my weaknesses. I know my flaws and my inherent goodness. I know what I deserve, because I love who I am, even through all the flaws. I’m not perfect and still love myself unconditionally. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes. Although it often takes me more time than most to bounce back, I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep waking up each day hoping it’ll be better than the previous. I still have hope and still keep showing up, even when I dont feel like being a part of any of it.

To be honest, I know I have the choice to stop. I don’t have to keep living this life. Nothing is forcing me to keep going. However, I can honestly say it is that tiny sliver of hope, mixed with a bit of FOMO that keeps me going.

I don’t want to be the guy who gives up. I don’t blame anyone for doing it, but there is still something inside me that keeps saying, “keep going, you’re almost there.”

I can’t help but question if its legit. After this many years and this many failed attempts, it has gotten old and stale. Yet here I am, still putting one foot in front of the other. Here I am showing up. Here I am, hoping today will be better. Here I am.

One thing I’m really fascinated with lately, is the idea of alternate realities. There’s the thought that there are an infinite number of versions of each and every one of us, due to the number of choices we make.

To break it down and probably over explain it, each decision we make has two different outcomes which can, and often do, spawn other decisions based off the first one. It’s a little bit of the Schrodinger’s Cat theory. As a perfect example, I chose to start this blog, but there’s another version of me that chose not to. The current (well, then again, the now current) version of me that chose this is writing this blog in this exact moment, while both the other two versions of me (the one who chose not to start the blog and the one who chose not to write this post, may or may not be doing something different.

I think what I find the most fascinating about this, is the fact that everything under the sun has been done. This also coincides with the school of thought that time isn’t linear. Instead, future, past, and present all exist at the same time. So, the me that chose to start this blog and write this post is both not getting anyone to read it and experiencing a level of “fame” the current me can’t comprehend. The rabbit hole one individual could go down, examining every possible outcome is magnanimous. There’s literally no end in sight.

Another aspect of all this I find fascinating is the fact that I then chose to be conscious in this instance and not the others. That alone blows my mind. How do I choose that? If I have the ability to choose which path I choose to be conscious in, then begs the question…why do I continually choose a path that requires me to work so much?

If there are multiple versions of me, and we all coexist in the same time/space, but on different planes, and I can choose where my consciousness is present, then I want to choose the path of least resistance and the path with the greatest outcome. Then comes the question,…what defines the greatest outcome?

All of this leads to so many more questions. Is there a “God/god”, or is this all my own doing? If I’m creating all of this, then am I not “God”? I ask that with the utmost respect, because it truly is a question that comes to mind. If I am created in the image of God, then wouldn’t that make me a god? If there are all these versions of me, then it would also seem that we would all have a source, would we not? In a way, wouldn’t it be just like my own thoughts producing multiple if/then outcomes? Wouldn’t the only difference be that I’m choosing my own consciousness? Just as the “other me’s” have chosen their own consciousness? In essence, doesn’t this suggest that my “true” self is the one source that is having this entire entire experience in the first place?

I hope now, you understand why this blog is called, “Diarrhea of The Mind.” I know I’m not alone in questioning these things, but at times, I feel like I am. I know it probably also seems like I’m stoned out of my mind, because who in their right mind would traverse these types of thoughts? I assure you, I’m completely sober.

What’s interesting to me, is that I don’t need marijuana or any other drugs to question things like this. Hell, Einstein used to call things like this, “thought experiments.” Tesla used to do much of the same. In no way am I comparing myself to the genius of these two individuals. I am merely suggesting that I know I can’t be the only one, because greats, such as these two examples have done the same.

All of this just makes me wonder what it is that leads me down one road versus another. I’ve heard it said that our outcome is based off our internal beliefs. I think I am seeing how accurate this is. Jesus and others have stated similarly, that faith as tiny as a mustard seed can move mountains. Throughout history, people have defied the accepted scientific laws of nature without explanation. Yogi’s have levitated. Ancient Chinese and Japanese warriors have climbed upon the air. Jesus and others have walked on water. I’m sure I could provide many more examples, but I think you get the point. How much of what we “receive” in life is based off our own self-imposed limitations? How much of our own beliefs/dis-beliefs help further/hinder us?

I can tell you this, I want to believe, I want to experience more of the things others do, and I want to exceed my own self-imposed limitations.

I guess I can say in some aspects I have. I’m not old per se, but I’m also no spring chicken. I’ve done and accomplished a great many things in my (ultimately) short life, so far. If I’m honest, I have exceeded the expectations in my life in many regards. Sure, I’m not a millionaire (yet), I’m not destitute, either. I have lived a pretty damn good life when I truly think about it. I want more, but who doesn’t?

I don’t know. There’s this glitter of hope in this exact moment, that says something is about to change. I don’t know if it’s just hope, or an inner-knowing. It doesn’t really matter to me, because I still believe it can. I still have faith that it can. Hopefully, that’s enough.

In closing, I want to bring it back to the idea that all time coexists at the same time. I find it exciting and inspirational that there is a version of me who already has all the things I desire. That alone means it’s possible. It means I can step into the life I’ve always desired. It means I have already made all the right decisions to get me there.

I’ll leave with these questions. If I believe there’s a version of me who has already done all this, doesn’t that mean I have already made all the right choices? Isn’t half the process already taken care of?

I had this up and running on a different URL/Server, but I’ve since removed it. I just got a new server and decided it would just be easier to start over. I really only had three posts up and nothing I really cared to remember about.

Initially, I didn’t plan on doing much with this, but after getting this new server going, I think I’m going to put much more into this than I originally anticipated. I mean, why not? It’s free, I get a chance to clean out the bowels of my mind, and it could be a very therapeutic and fun hobby.

This is really just a chance for me to empty my mind of some of the thoughts that plague me. I’m really missing the days of Xanga and MySpace with the blogging feature. But, the difference being, none of my friends have access to this and none of them are linked to it. I have the ability to truly speak my mind about shit and not care, because I’m not worried about offending anyone.

That being said, here’s a bit of a disclaimer. I’m not an expert. I’m not a guru. I’m a normal human being, like the vast majority of you who find this. Please don’t take anything I say on this site too seriously. This is a chance for me to vent and get things off my chest and the “shit” out of my mind. I may offend you at times. I may be vulgar at times. I may not be appropriate for children and/or young adults. You don’t have to like what I say. In fact, if you don’t, you can leave and never come back. Or, you can stay and keep reading. The choice is yours.

That being said, I’m not doing this for “likes,” comments, or any reason other than needing a space to clear my mind. I have comments turned on, but I really don’t care what you think about me, or anything I say. Yes, words can cut deep and sometimes, I’m sure someone will say something that offends me. I’m a grown ass adult and I guess I’ll just have to deal with it, just like you, if you don’t like anything on this site. No one is forcing you to read this. No one is forcing you to come to this site, unless you’re a crawler and Big Tech has programmed you to do so.

I am opinionated. I am free to have my opinions. You are also free to have your opinions. All I ask is that you be respectful if you leave a comment. I won’t be an outright dick, unless I have to be or it serves a point. If I’m wrong about something, I’ll own up to it and I expect the same from everyone else.

So, now that this is out of the way, I guess I need to get to work. Updates will be coming to the page as I have time and as I learn to navigate the world of WordPress.

That’s all for now. Go out there and have a great day!