It’s midnight and I just got home from watching a friend’s annual fireworks show.
After what I wrote this morning, combined with the fact that I woke up a little depressed today, I’ve been in my mind and very antisocial.
I don’t know what’s going on with me right now. Its been a long time since I’ve felt like I could just have a cry. Right now, I feel it on the brink and I don’t even know where its coming from. It’s not even like today was a bad day.
One of the things on my server is a music streaming service. I’ve loaded all my old mp3s on it and have been listening today while doing yard work and to and from the fireworks show.
As I got home, Mat Kearney came on and I forgot how much I love his music. So I decided to sit on the back porch, throw up the umbrella and turn on the solar LEDs. Cracking open a beer right now and gonna sit, listen, and write.
In The Middle is playing right now.
I hate when I get in this kind of depression. Mostly because I don’t know where it comes from. The waves are hit and miss. Sometimes its just a small little bout, while other times it can feel so debilitating.
I used to feel so on top of the world. Something happened and now I just feel like most days are a struggle. I have a decent life. I have a roof over my head. I have family and friends who love me. I have a business that pays the bills. I have food and water. I really have nothing that I’m truly missing, yet still it feels like something is missing.
My whole life, I dreamed of being married, having a family, and having my own place. I wanted it for so long, yet it always seemed to evade me.
I’m in my late 40s now. I’m still single. I still have no kids. There’s a tiny part of me that wants them, but an even bigger part of me that says I’m far too old for that shit. On top of that, I don’t want to be the reason for a child being even more fucked up than I feel sometimes.
Like I said in my last post, I love who I am and I’m proud of who I am. I’m not perfect and I’m definitely no saint, but I still believe I’m worth it. I’ve yet to find a woman who feels I am, but I guess I’m ok with that. Maybe I should say, there’s been a couple who felt that way, but I didn’t feel the same?
Don’t get me wrong, I want a relationship. I feel like sometimes I’m dependent upon it for my happiness, but at the same time, I’m not. Either I just keep telling myself that, or it’s how I really feel. I can’t tell the difference anymore. I’ve been saying it for so long, I can’t tell if I’m being truthful or just lying to myself in an attempt to just deal with it.
I know being in a relationship won’t solve anything. It won’t fill some hole or missing piece to my life. I know it won’t change the fact that I struggle with depression. I think more than anything, I think it would just be nice to feel like I have someone in my corner.
Too often, I feel incredibly alone. I have for a long time. People don’t call or text very often to check in on me. I can’t blame them either. They have their own lives, families, and priorities. But I think it’s this that I crave.
I make it a point to go out of my way for the people I love. Sure, I get busy and forget from time to time. I also get in my head and withdraw, so I can’t completely blame anyone else. I am fully aware I play just as much of an equal part. It would just be nice to feel like I am wanted in people’s lives.
As I reread this, I guess at times, I dont do enough.
Like I said, I know I’m loved, but it often doesn’t feel like it.
I also know I somewhat keep people at a distance. Like many, I’ve been hurt a lot, but unlike many, it has caused me to retreat to the safety of my shell and find comfort not depending on others. In fact, I don’t even know how to depend on others any more. For so long it’s just been me doing everything I need to. I wouldn’t even know how to accept love or help if it was given to me.
In that respect, I completely understand why I’m single. It would take such a unique woman to love me unconditionally. Its not impossible, but I know the cards are stacked against me.
Here’s the problem. I know I have my issues. I know I’m a handful. I know the vast majority of people don’t have what it takes to deal with me on a constant basis. I could make excuses about this or that, but the cold hard truth is I allowed myself to close off. I chose to think it was the safest bet.
These days, I really don’t do much. For one, I’m not a fan of going out by myself. I want company. I want conversation. But then when I get into those kinds of situations, I don’t even know what to talk about. I don’t want to come off as the negative Nancy I often feel like. I know people dont want to be around that. They dont want to hear someone complain about everything they don’t like in life, yet I don’t even know how to find joy in much of anything anymore. I truly feel happiest when I’m at home, by myself, working. At the exact same time, I’m craving companionship. I’m just never happy.
Making matters worse, I just feel completely let down by life.
I’m starting to realize, maybe I don’t love myself. Maybe I’m just saying it, hoping it’ll stick. But then begs the question. How does one love themself? Maybe I just don’t understand what love is at all?
Buying the PC to make my server was one of the nicest things I’ve done for myself in a long time. I usually don’t buy things like that. I tend to give more than I receive, except when it comes to myself.
The thing is. I make enough to pay my bills, but I don’t make much extra and the business is so inconsistent. Half the time, I wonder if I’ll even be able to keep the lights on for another month. It always works out, but I literally scrape by. Its frustrating and draining. The problem is, I enjoy being my own boss, not having anyone over me, constantly hounding me. I enjoy being able to call the shots and not needing to fall in line as a puppet forced to do this or that because my boss demands it.
I don’t like corporations. I never have. The corporate structure of being overly concerned with profit and not about the people who actually make you the profit, absolutely disgusts me. I’ve worked corporate jobs. I’ve worked for small businesses and big businesses. I don’t really care for what I do anymore, but I’d still much rather do what I do than work for someone else. Yet, next week, I’m picking up a third job, because I’m just wanting to make some extra money to be able to have fun in life. Or at the very least, try to.
All of this feels like a jumbled mess, but I already feel better just dumping it out there. Nobody reads this, but god damn, does it feel good to just put it out there, even if I sound like a complete jackass for any of it.
I think that’s it for tonight. Thank you for listening. You really made my night!
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