I’ve decided I’m swearing off women. I wish I could go into detail, but I feel like even if I kept everything anonymous, I’d still be betraying someone’s trust. I wrote it all out and realized this, so I deleted it all and started from scratch.
I pride myself in not being that guy. I made a promise after all, that what was said to me would stay in the strictest of confidence. That’s exactly what I aim to do.
I will say this though. Women are dumb. Hear me out, because I don’t mean all of them. It’s a poor generalization, because I know not all women are dumb. I know there are a lot of great women out there. The problem is, none of those women are available.
I guess I just wish people, in general, could figure their shit out. It really isn’t that difficult to figure out who you are, yet far too many people struggle with this. It also isn’t that difficult to figure out what makes you happy, what you want, and to go after it. Yet far too many people are too afraid to go after what they want. I know this is often due to psychological trauma, but still, it annoys the shit out of me.
I have had my own battle with this, but I’ve spent a lot of time being single, so I’ve had a lot of time sorting out my shit. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know what I deserve and I won’t settle for less. I’ve worked too hard to get here. I’ve worked too hard to allow the wrong person into my life and allow her to fuck me up like the others. It took far too much time to get back to a good place. Even though I’m not 100% there yet, I’m closer than I have been in a long time. I’m not screwing that up because of a woman.
I don’t know, I feel like I’m destined to be single. I’ve never been married. I don’t have any kids. I have wanted both for the longest time, and now that I’m much older, I can definitely say I’m grateful I don’t have kids, because I would have screwed them up so badly. I also know I’d be divorced by now, because I hadn’t sorted through my shit and figured out how to stand on my own two feet without feeling the need for validation from another.
I can’t, nor will I, claim to be perfect, healed, or even capable of holding a solid relationship. Maybe the women I’ve dated or courted have seen this within me from the start and maybe I’m the one who is in denial.
I realize I have no one to blame for my situation and circumstances but myself. I realize that no matter how much healing or work I think I’ve done on myself, I still have a long way to go. At the same time, I don’t feel like this is a hindrance to my ability to find a partner.
It’s so difficult to not look around at all the people in my life and think, “they don’t even realize how good they have it.” Yet I fully acknowledge that all that glitters is not gold, and the grass isn’t always greener. Just because people appear to have their shit together, more than likely, none of them really do. It’s so easy to think others are doing so much better, when the reality is, we all have our own struggles.
I often feel like life would be so much different if I was in a relationship. The truth of the matter is, I know in my heart this isn’t true. It would simply bring about a different set of struggles, trials, and challenges. It wouldn’t solve anything, nor would I truly be any happier.
Sure, I’d have someone to go to sleep and wake up next to. I’d have someone who would greet me when I come home. I’d have someone to talk to and do things with. I’d have someone to confide in and someone who could confide in me. However, I fully understand the weight and gravity of what a relationship is. Work.
It’s not all fun and games. It’s not all cuddling and honeymoon-type love. It takes commitment. It takes patience. It takes compassion and empathy. More than that, it takes effort.
The more I write this, the more I question if I even have what it takes. I doubt myself, because the few times I’ve been in somewhat serious relationships, I’ve failed, they’ve failed, and it makes me feel like I could have done better, even knowing it takes two.
Was I fully to blame for past relationships falling apart. No, not fully, but I can shoulder quite a bit of the blame for more than a handful.
I don’t know. I still feel like I’m a catch, fully knowing I am not perfect and knowing that it would take a very special kind of person to deal with my shit. I say this, not to strip me of my worthiness, but rather to acknowledge the fact that I know I’m not easy. I know I’m a handful. I know my struggles are often too much for the vast majority of women to deal with.
I still find myself full of hope, but the light of that hope is dimming. That really depresses me, because it’s the one thing I’ve desired above all else for the vast majority of my life.
I feel like all I can do is throw in the towel and forget about it; to let go and accept the fact that I may be single for the rest of my life. I feel like the sooner I can accept this, the better off I’ll be. The only problem is, right when I’m about to that point, a woman always comes into my life and sparks these desires again. Then the process starts all over and I’m honestly growing tired of it.
I am tired of getting my hopes up, just to have them crushed again. I know it’s part of the process, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Repeated encounters that end the same don’t make it easier to dust myself off and keep going. If anything, it makes it less and less appealing, which is exactly where I’m at right now.
I’ve grown tired of holding on to a hope that never seems to deliver. I’ve grown tired of wishing for something that seems to always evade me. I’ve grown tired of holding on to an idea that seems to be something from a fairy tale. And, I’ve grown tired of seeing people in relationships they are not happy to be in, complaining about how unhappy they are, or how their partner makes very little effort.
On one hand, I’m incredibly grateful I don’t know what that’s like. On the other, I know people often get wrapped up in their heads and see things how they want to see them, when they are equally part of the problem. I know there’s no such thing as a “perfect” relationship and not a single person on this planet is perfect or even close to. But from someone who’s desired a serious relationship for such a long time, it would just be nice to have someone who was “perfect enough” for me.
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